Exactly 3 months ago, I started taking testosterone as a part of my medical transition. Since I’m nonbinary, I wanted to see slower and less drastic changes. As a result, I’m on a lower dose than the “standard” amount prescribed to binary trans men. I don’t identify as male or wish to pass as a cisgender man, so that’s what feels best for me right now. My current transition goals involve things like fucking around with gender presentation and confusing cis strangers on the street.
Because there aren’t many firsthand accounts of AFAB nonbinary people on low dose T, I wanted to share my thoughts on what’s changed, what hasn’t, and what’s been unexpected. I’m a big fan of talking about the things that no one else wants to talk about, so I’ll also be discussing how HRT[1]Hormone replacement therapy has impacted my sex life and what’s in my pants.
Content note: This post includes mentions of gender dysphoria.
What’s Changed
My sex drive increased significantly.
Within the first two days of starting T, my sex drive skyrocketed. Since my libido was already on the higher side to begin with, I assumed there would only be a slight increase. Spoiler alert: I was wrong.
During the first month, I was constantly and unbearably horny. On average, I think I got off between 6 to 8 times daily. This was a stark contrast to how I had previously masturbated 2 to 3 times per week pre T. I eventually started scheduling vibrator breaks throughout the day, or else I’d be too distracted to work.
Thankfully, my sex drive has calmed down a bit since then. It’s still higher than it was pre-T, but isn’t as extreme.
The pitch of my voice is lower.
Before starting HRT, I felt a lot of dysphoria around my voice. Hearing my voice gradually deepen has been very affirming, and one of my favorite changes on testosterone. I was initially concerned about my voice changing too quickly, but that hasn’t been the case at all.
As my voice has dropped, I’ve also gotten more comfortable with being vocal while I’m fucking myself. Due to the whole pandemic thing, I’ve started sexting more often; it’s been fun to incorporate voice memos of my orgasms into that.
Bottom growth 👀
There’s been a big change (pun fully intended) in the shape and size of my nether regions. More specifically, my clitoris has grown a significant amount. I had about half an inch in length before T; it now measures around 1.75 inches.[2]Yes, I measured my dick. For science.
As my clit dick size has increased, so have my sensitivity levels. For people not on testosterone, I’ve likened it to wearing jeans with no underwear. It’s uncomfortable, painful at times, and just overall unpleasant. On the flip side, my orgasms are way more intense now.
What Hasn’t Changed
I haven’t grown any facial hair.
I am disappointed but not surprised about this. Between my East Asian genetics, and the fact that the cis men in my family only need to shave about twice a month, it’s going to be a while. However, I have started growing leg hair! I had previously been feeling dysphoric about having very little body hair, so I’m pretty thrilled about this new development.
My temperament is still the same.
There’s a stereotype that testosterone makes people angry and aggressive,[3]Some of this is also perpetuated by TERF (Trans-exclusionary radical feminist) logic. but that hasn’t been my experience. I haven’t lashed out on anyone, punched any walls, or turned into a raging beast. My tolerance for bullshit might be slightly lower, but it’s mostly bullshit that I shouldn’t have tolerated in the first place.
If anything, I feel calmer and more at ease with myself. I’m still the same person who cries over dog commercials and takes spiders outside instead of killing them.
I’m still trans.
For a long time, I wasn’t quite sure if medical transition was something that I wanted. Even on the day of my HRT appointment, I felt uncertain. I experienced a lot of thoughts like What if I’m actually cisgender? Maybe this is a huge mistake, I might regret this forever.[4]Internalized transphobia is real, and it sucks.
On testosterone, I’ve become confident in the knowledge that this was the right thing to do. I feel more sure of my identity and more connected to my transness than ever before. Although I might not stay on T forever, I don’t regret starting it. And I’m sure as hell not cis.
What’s Been Unexpected
My bottom dysphoria has worsened.
Despite having visible bottom growth, my bottom dysphoria is the worst it’s ever been. For me, gender dysphoria sometimes feels like playing whack-a-mole; once I’ve dealt with one thing, like voice dysphoria, another thing pops up to take its place.
The ambiguity of how I experience gender means that my bottom dysphoria is a moving target. On some days, I’ll feel bad about the lack of something that’s not there, how my anatomy doesn’t look or function like I want it to. On other days, I’ll go into a downward spiral over my reproductive organs and how I just want them gone – out of my body entirely. And sometimes there’s just a overall sense of wrongness, one that I don’t know how to fix.
Certain things have helped, like packing more frequently and changing the terminology I use for my parts. I’ve moved away from using words like clit and vagina and started using words like dick, cunt, or hole. My preferred terminology might change in the future, but that’s what feels most tolerable right now.
I’m more flexible in my gender expression.
Because I feel more intrinsically connected to masculinity, I don’t feel as much of a need to perform my gender in a hypermasculine way. I’m still not keen on wearing dresses, but those were never really my style in the first place.
Ultimately, my gender expression has become more relaxed. There’s a greater sense of freedom in being able to wear what I feel like wearing, instead of what I think I “should” be wearing to be perceived a certain way.
Being in my body is not as scary and overwhelming.
For the first time in my life, I’ve been able to reach a certain point of okayness with my body and self. Don’t get me wrong – I still experience a lot of gender dysphoria, and my mental health issues haven’t magically vanished. But considering that I’ve spent the past decade at odds with my body, it’s been weird & wonderful to experience some occasional gender euphoria.
Although I’m still in the early stages of transition, I’m feeling more hopeful than I have in a while.
In the meantime, my fingers are crossed that I can grow one (1) facial hair.
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I’m glad you pointed out that it hasn’t made you aggressive! It’s such a myth that T does that. I think it’s awesome that you measured your dick!
Yes! Aggression was something that I had worried about happening, so I wanted to mention it here.